Let's get one thing straight...
I may be an English major but some of the books I have to read for class are boring...plus when you tell me to read something it usually makes me not want to read it...unless I super trust your judgement when it comes to books and that is not something that is done easily...the worst part about that though is that even in those cases I still often don't want to read what others tell me to read...I bring this up not just because of my classes but because I can also get that way about reading my Bible...I am really bad about reading my Bible...I know I should read it...but the more often people tell me I should the less I want to because then it feels like a rule I have to follow instead of being something I want to do because I love Jesus...I really don't like that I get like this where I have this "oh yeah I do what I want attitude" but I still do it and have that attitude and it sucks...when I do read my Bible I love it and I learn new things all the time but for some reason I let feeling like I have to do something overshadow how good it makes me feel...
I have noticed that I do this with other things to...in other word I am my own worst enemy which is really not cool...especially not when I am telling myself i need to do all these things and be all these things when I already have enough on my plate...
For example recently I have been feeling a little better...I still can't do much but I feel like I should be able to do more...this is making me really moody...more moody than I normally am in my opinion...because I want to do more than sit around the house and I feel like I should be able to do more...but the reality is that doing those things still wears me out in 2.2 seconds...so instead I sit around the house all day...mind you I get things done...I actually get a lot more done than I used to because I am getting so bored...I have been getting my homework done early and doing more of it (like actually do the readings for class)...and I have been writing more and doing the little bit or organizing that I can do...all things that were a struggle like 2 weeks ago when I could barely get out of bed...but now that I can do all these things and I am moody I feel like I am actually getting nothing done...and I get down on myself trying to push myself to do more...it's like I am never satisfied with what I have done...
I am constantly battling with myself that these things aren't true and I have to tell you the emotional and mental battles of being sick are much harder for me to battle than the physical ones...I am going a little crazy...on top of it all I also have been swelling a lot and if you have read any of my earlier blogs or notes you know that I feel super disgusting when I am swelling up like a balloon...last time the swelling was mainly in my feet which I called my floppy fat fish feet...and I had some swelling in my face then and I felt like I had dog face...droopy eyes on bottom swollen on top...now the main swelling is in my abdomen...most days when I wake up like today my stomach looks normal because I have woken up like 20 times int he middle of the night to pee...then by noonish I have already put on a lot of water weight in my midsection...a lot of times like today i haven't had much to eat or drink within that time period either because I am just not hungry...now I know others don't notice...like today people kept telling me how nice I looked...but I felt and even now feel fat and gross because my body is filling up with toxins...and even though I know that no one can really notice or if they do they think it's good since everyone thinks I am too skinny I am self conscious about it...but I know its there and I know that it's not normal and not good no matter how much weight it adds to my body...adding weight in toxins that are slowly killing my insides is not a plus no matter how you look at it...and as I mentioned I am self conscious about it which is weird because I am not normally self conscious because I really don't give a crap what people think...but yuck I just fell disgusting even if I am not...
For me right now the best thing for me to combat this all is having my friends around me...here's why...I will start complaining about these things and being all negative and telling them how I need to be better...not be so negative not be so mean to people...and they will give me a word slap in the face...which is just what I need...I know that God speaks in a still small voice but sometimes I need a punch in the face to hear things because well I am stubborn and like I said have an "I do what I want" attitude problem...my friends know this and God uses them to speak his words to me...I can not even tell you how many times recently my friends have had to tell me to stop trying to be perfect...and have had to tell me that I am trying to do too much and trying to be too much...they have to remind me how others including themselves would be in my shoes...they help set me back onto God's mindset of me and not my own...one where I am weak and He is strong and that's all that matters...not how moody I think I am...not how much I think I have to do...not my current views of myself...but instead what God sees in me and how much He loves me no matter what...
and it's times like that when I am reminded who I am that make all this worth while and makes me want to sing my favorite songs and enjoy living no matter what that looks like right now...
I have noticed that I do this with other things to...in other word I am my own worst enemy which is really not cool...especially not when I am telling myself i need to do all these things and be all these things when I already have enough on my plate...
For example recently I have been feeling a little better...I still can't do much but I feel like I should be able to do more...this is making me really moody...more moody than I normally am in my opinion...because I want to do more than sit around the house and I feel like I should be able to do more...but the reality is that doing those things still wears me out in 2.2 seconds...so instead I sit around the house all day...mind you I get things done...I actually get a lot more done than I used to because I am getting so bored...I have been getting my homework done early and doing more of it (like actually do the readings for class)...and I have been writing more and doing the little bit or organizing that I can do...all things that were a struggle like 2 weeks ago when I could barely get out of bed...but now that I can do all these things and I am moody I feel like I am actually getting nothing done...and I get down on myself trying to push myself to do more...it's like I am never satisfied with what I have done...
I am constantly battling with myself that these things aren't true and I have to tell you the emotional and mental battles of being sick are much harder for me to battle than the physical ones...I am going a little crazy...on top of it all I also have been swelling a lot and if you have read any of my earlier blogs or notes you know that I feel super disgusting when I am swelling up like a balloon...last time the swelling was mainly in my feet which I called my floppy fat fish feet...and I had some swelling in my face then and I felt like I had dog face...droopy eyes on bottom swollen on top...now the main swelling is in my abdomen...most days when I wake up like today my stomach looks normal because I have woken up like 20 times int he middle of the night to pee...then by noonish I have already put on a lot of water weight in my midsection...a lot of times like today i haven't had much to eat or drink within that time period either because I am just not hungry...now I know others don't notice...like today people kept telling me how nice I looked...but I felt and even now feel fat and gross because my body is filling up with toxins...and even though I know that no one can really notice or if they do they think it's good since everyone thinks I am too skinny I am self conscious about it...but I know its there and I know that it's not normal and not good no matter how much weight it adds to my body...adding weight in toxins that are slowly killing my insides is not a plus no matter how you look at it...and as I mentioned I am self conscious about it which is weird because I am not normally self conscious because I really don't give a crap what people think...but yuck I just fell disgusting even if I am not...
For me right now the best thing for me to combat this all is having my friends around me...here's why...I will start complaining about these things and being all negative and telling them how I need to be better...not be so negative not be so mean to people...and they will give me a word slap in the face...which is just what I need...I know that God speaks in a still small voice but sometimes I need a punch in the face to hear things because well I am stubborn and like I said have an "I do what I want" attitude problem...my friends know this and God uses them to speak his words to me...I can not even tell you how many times recently my friends have had to tell me to stop trying to be perfect...and have had to tell me that I am trying to do too much and trying to be too much...they have to remind me how others including themselves would be in my shoes...they help set me back onto God's mindset of me and not my own...one where I am weak and He is strong and that's all that matters...not how moody I think I am...not how much I think I have to do...not my current views of myself...but instead what God sees in me and how much He loves me no matter what...
and it's times like that when I am reminded who I am that make all this worth while and makes me want to sing my favorite songs and enjoy living no matter what that looks like right now...
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