What to say?

I am not sure what to post about this Sunday...which could possibly be because I posted a few times during the week...or because I have been so tired all week...(my hemoglobin is higher than it has been but still low for a normal human being)...or it could be because I spent most of the day today watching videos on youtube...

I will say that after my last post about dreaming big I sort of had a mental break down with my mom...here's the thing...I am great at saying the right words or words that sound good...I can easily sound smart and even wise at times...but I am not so good at following the things I say...

For example I can blog about dreaming big and not letting other people's dreams define me...but then I still worry about what the people around me say about my dreams and what their dreams are...even if they secretly sound bat shit crazy to me...I want to go along with it because I want to make them happy...obviously I still need to work on that...

My mini break down came because I oftentimes find myself trying to do more and be more...like I think I am not accomplishing enough...for example I was talking to mom about camp and how I really want to help with chick night because I feel like that is a place I can plug in and be useful...when mom heard that I feel like I am not useful she gently reminded me of all that I do...and not just at camp...

It's like I think being sick and having to do dialysis...while going to school to get my masters...and volunteering at the high school library when I can...and working a couple hours a week...and helping out around the house is not enough...and as a result I am not enough...

What a shitty lie I have found myself wrapped up in and believing...

Thankfully I have a mom who can put everything back into perspective for me...and tell me to stop being so hard on myself...giving me just the encouragement I needed....

On top of that some people at church today...who didn't know I had dealt with this during the week encouraged me in a similar way...by being in awe of the fact that I do need a transplant (I am number one of the list at OSF which means I am the sickest kidney failure patient they have)...and I am on dialysis about two hours a day five times a week...while getting my masters...

For some reason all I tend to see is the "I'm a sick person" part...think of all I could be doing if I wasn't sick...and not the fact that I am doing all this other stuff that not all sick people would do...or even healthy people...but now when I stop and think about it...I wonder how crazy I have to be to want to do all this stuff and more...whether I am sick or not...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Scars

Image
I said quite some time ago that I would post a picture of my newest scar...and then I forgot...when I remembered I thought why not just do a post about my scars...I know people who have tattoos and show those off...but I don't have those instead my story is etched on my body in a different way...so here it is...and in some of them I tried to circle scars that I thought were hard to see but it may end up being easier to see them without my attempt at helping... So these first two are obviously of my stomach...the scar with the one by it is hard to see but that scar is over 20 inches long...it wraps around my left side...you can see the end of it in the picture below...that is from my first transplant from when I was 8...the scar with the 2 by it is from my most recent transplant...which as you can tell is much smaller and is still a little red because it's still healing...the three scars circled under my belly button in the bright blue are from dialysis when I was 21 mon
Read more

It’s been a while

Hey there, So it’s been a while. I wish I could say I was returning with amazingly great news about life or some mind blowing tidbit about Jesus. But I think by now if you are reading this or have rread any of my posts in the past you know that is not this blog. Having a blog that mostly chronicals the downs of being a person with a chronic illness means that posting again after a bit of a hiatus can really only mean one thing - more downs to report. If you’ve seen my recent social media posts. You might think, “How can that be? You are doing all this work at your house.” Well when you are sick you get good at knowing that life goes on no matter how you feel. So you go on and sometimes above with it. Here’s what is going on - after having a horrible appointment with a gynecologist in something like October I finally decided I really needed to see someone else because the increasing pain on and off my period is not ok. And as someone who has wanted a hysterectomy for more than 1
Read more

After Moving Day

Health update - I have been feeling better since starting this medication. The side effects were a little rough at first but I think my body has adjusted since I have been feeling much better and have energy again. Mom and Dad moved into their newly remodeled house this weekend and I am so happy for them. They have needed a one story house for a few years since they have been talking about it even before Dad's accident. We have already created so many fun memories and stories to tell during the renovation that I can't wait to see what other adventures this house has for our family. Often during this move I have felt like other people have been more attached to my parents house than my family. Sure my brother, sister and I all grew up in that house and we had a lot of fun memories in that house. But a four bedroom, two level house was too much house for my parents to live in alone. In the past few years instead of being able to remember the fun times in the house we've j
Read more