Keep opening this up like I am going to write something
And then I don't write anything...so today I thought maybe I would actually write something...
Today ended up being a pretty relaxing day which was nice...I did my nails...and texted with my brother Cory...then talked on the phone to my brother Danny...and then my brother Evan came over to spend some time with me...man it feels good to have brothers...
I've been thinking a little about how I can get defensive when it comes to the people I love...take for my brothers for example...people can say some bad things about them sometimes because they have done some dumb stuff...but I still love them and they are still my brothers so when I hear people talk crap about them I want to hit them...
Now its not always that extreme but lately I have been getting really defensive as well...like when people say things about my dad...even if it is something good I sort of want to be like "you don't know him"...I think that is because I am so on edge about all of this though...I mean my emotions are all over...I have sort of been wanting to protect mom as well...like I know everyone wants to come over and do all this stuff for us but then people ask about dad and maybe even give us some christian-ese saying that everyone and their mother has heard a thousand times...that really takes no thought to say...and then they leave and get to go on with their lives and mom gets upset and cries and I want to cry but don't...and well its a mess...so even though I know its a good thing that people want to help us and it has been blowing my mind all the people that have already helped us out I still want to keep my mom from having to go through this stiff awkward routine with everyone who walks through the door...
Dad was always the one reminding me that people just want to help...reminding me that I should let people do things for me/us...he was always the one telling me to be nice to people when I wanted to blow them off...and I would get frustrated with him...but hes is right and I would try to remember that when it was me who was sick...when people would want to see me or send me stuff or get me something...I would try and think of things that I needed done just so people could help me...even if it was just picking up hand soap at the store for me...I had to constantly remind myself that its good that people want to help even if I feel bombarded...
And even now when some people come around or when the tenth person of the day says "call me if you need anything" I have to remind myself that dad would tell me to be nice and that people are just trying to help even if I just want everyone to go away...
Mom and I have always been the kind of people that when we are crying or upset we don't want to be comforted...we are the type of people that if we want that comforting gesture or whatever we will come to you...I can't tell you how many times I have cried and someone has hugged me and I thought go away...that's just how we are...and now as my emotions can't decide what they want to do I find that being the case again...I don't really want anyone around...
Just know that I do appreciate all that everyone has done for us and is continuing to do...it really does blow my mind...and I am trying to remember who all has said call me if you need anything but so many people have said that its hard to keep track of...and when I need something I will call or text you even if it s something that seems small and silly because I know people want to help us whatever the need is...like I did with my brothers today...
Thank you again for being so willing to do anything for us and for all that you have already done...I know you are praying for us and that means a lot...may you be richly blessed for how you have poured out your love onto our family...
Today ended up being a pretty relaxing day which was nice...I did my nails...and texted with my brother Cory...then talked on the phone to my brother Danny...and then my brother Evan came over to spend some time with me...man it feels good to have brothers...
I've been thinking a little about how I can get defensive when it comes to the people I love...take for my brothers for example...people can say some bad things about them sometimes because they have done some dumb stuff...but I still love them and they are still my brothers so when I hear people talk crap about them I want to hit them...
Now its not always that extreme but lately I have been getting really defensive as well...like when people say things about my dad...even if it is something good I sort of want to be like "you don't know him"...I think that is because I am so on edge about all of this though...I mean my emotions are all over...I have sort of been wanting to protect mom as well...like I know everyone wants to come over and do all this stuff for us but then people ask about dad and maybe even give us some christian-ese saying that everyone and their mother has heard a thousand times...that really takes no thought to say...and then they leave and get to go on with their lives and mom gets upset and cries and I want to cry but don't...and well its a mess...so even though I know its a good thing that people want to help us and it has been blowing my mind all the people that have already helped us out I still want to keep my mom from having to go through this stiff awkward routine with everyone who walks through the door...
Dad was always the one reminding me that people just want to help...reminding me that I should let people do things for me/us...he was always the one telling me to be nice to people when I wanted to blow them off...and I would get frustrated with him...but hes is right and I would try to remember that when it was me who was sick...when people would want to see me or send me stuff or get me something...I would try and think of things that I needed done just so people could help me...even if it was just picking up hand soap at the store for me...I had to constantly remind myself that its good that people want to help even if I feel bombarded...
And even now when some people come around or when the tenth person of the day says "call me if you need anything" I have to remind myself that dad would tell me to be nice and that people are just trying to help even if I just want everyone to go away...
Mom and I have always been the kind of people that when we are crying or upset we don't want to be comforted...we are the type of people that if we want that comforting gesture or whatever we will come to you...I can't tell you how many times I have cried and someone has hugged me and I thought go away...that's just how we are...and now as my emotions can't decide what they want to do I find that being the case again...I don't really want anyone around...
Just know that I do appreciate all that everyone has done for us and is continuing to do...it really does blow my mind...and I am trying to remember who all has said call me if you need anything but so many people have said that its hard to keep track of...and when I need something I will call or text you even if it s something that seems small and silly because I know people want to help us whatever the need is...like I did with my brothers today...
Thank you again for being so willing to do anything for us and for all that you have already done...I know you are praying for us and that means a lot...may you be richly blessed for how you have poured out your love onto our family...
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