I feel like I am losing my mind

I feel like my emotions are everywhere and I can't control them...I guess if I weren't a sick person I might be put on some med to keep my emotions from being so whacked...but when you are living in a body that is sick that is all pretty normal...it is also normal to feel like your head is everywhere when you deal with death on a daily basis...on top of that another side effect of kidney failure is insomnia so that doesn't help with the crazy up and down emotions either...

It goes a little like this...I have a great day...and then I can't stop crying at the end up the day...feeling like my life is a mess...and then I get upset at myself that I can't be happy and celebrate the good things...I know it sounds like I'm bi-polar or something...but I swear when I am not as sick as I am now I am not this way...

For reals these are normal side effects of kidney failure...along with the swelling and itching and pain and other annoy things my body decides to do the emotional stuff comes with it...when you look at sites that talk about kidney failure symptoms or side effects here's what comes up ...may cause confusion, forgetfulness, depression, and anxiety...lovely...some of those also happen to be side effects of my medications...double whammy...end result equals the moody Mandy that is writing right now...

And I can't take anything for it because that would mess with all the meds I am already on...which means suck it up...or complain endlessly to you all...I don't want to do either of those...so I'm trying to find a happy medium but I am not so good at that...

On a better note my hemoglobin is up to 8 on its own...well without a blood transfusion I guess is how I should put it...I am take the epo shots that kill...but they are finally working without making my brain swell and causing seizures...so I will put up with the pain...

This means that my body is getting healthier...not healthy enough to not need a transplant but healthy enough for a transplant to not be quite so dangerous for me...because my body is becoming stable again...but I am still just waiting for a match so I can have this dang transplant already...but nothing yet so I just have to keep on waiting...and well I suck at waiting...waiting is rough for me...I am impatient...and not like the we are waiting for a seat at a restaurant for a little bit impatient...but the can't I just get on with my life already impatient...

Funny thing about that is God keeps having me wait...like on him and his timing for things I want in my life...like he's trying to teach me a lesson or something...but obviously I am not getting it because I am still impatient...and God is still trying to teach me that lesson...I know that people always say things like "it's worth the wait" or other things...all I hear is blah blah blah...if it's so good you can wait for it why wouldn't you just want it right away so you can enjoy it longer...whatever that it thing happens to be at the time...just throwing that thought out there since that's what I always wonder...am I the only one who thinks that...

Also am I the only one who wonders if she is going crazy...I mean I know my sister says this when she is super busy...but I mean like not in a I'm so busy what did I get myself into sense but a holy crap I feel like I have the emotions of a child who can't figure out how to express themselves...

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