I tried to give my blog a new look

One that has more to do with the title and my nickname...I couldn't get the picture as the background so this is as good as it gets...

And the new pictures also means that I got some pictures back from my photo session with Chris and well they are super great...

A lot of them make me look super classy and I love them...I also have been thinking how funny it is that I am dressed so nice in all of them...I feel like people might start expecting my A game all the time...when really if you were to stop by my house you would most likely see me in my PJ game...ok so maybe it's only me who thinks that's a funny joke...but it's true...

I don't know if ya'll have caught this yet or not but I am turning 23 this week...crazy...I have been thinking about that a lot...about how many times I should have died...and about all the fun things I have been able to do in this life...I mean some things aren't that great...like it is a little weird that when I go to KSB Hospital here in town everyone knows my name...and I mean everyone...I joke it's like going into Cheers...all of you might not understand that reference since it's an old TV show but the theme song went something like this..."Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name"...so I joke that KSB is like my Cheers...which is actually kind of a sad joke...but whatever...I gotta find laughs whenever I can...

Anywho back to my birthday...it's kind of weird at times for me to think that I will be having another birthday...and I know my mom is excited to celebrate it...I mean we didn't even think I was going to make it to two years old and here I am about to turn 23...that seems a little crazy...but it is such a testament to how God works...he has kept me alive for a long time...and though I may not be sure why sometimes I am thankful...most of the time...

Things aren't all roses right now though...lately I have been getting annoyed by different things...little things that I feel like shouldn't bug me but do...like when people ask me how dad is doing but don't ask how I am doing...I am the one that is slowly dying and that has to be hooked up to a machine daily to not die...and yet everyone wants to know about dad...and though I am glad they care about him...I still think what about me...maybe it's easier for people to deal with someone who is going to be ok than someone who is possibly not...when I think like this though I start to feel selfish and have to remind myself that it's ok to want people to care about me too...something else that has been annoying me is when people make comments about how much I eat...because when I get off dialysis I want to eat everything in sight...and since I am on dialysis every night this happens every night...when people make comments I just want to say well I am sick...and lately I have been under weight which means I need to eat all the more...it makes me wonder if people really get what it means when I say I am sick...for me it means I eat all the time but am never really satisfied because my body doesn't hold on to any of the nutrients in food...and I can't eat some foods that are good for you because my body can't process it...it means that I am cold all the time even when it's super hot...and tired all the time even if I have just gotten up from a nap...

I live daily with a disease that has no cure...it has treatments...like transplants or dialysis...but those things are not really a fix or cure...transplants only last a few years and come with medications and many complications...dialysis is painful and cannot fully replace the job of a natural kidney...so I live on a daily basis with a lot of pain...

My mom thinks I have learned to handle what life has given me very well...I don't walk around all woe is me complaining about all my aches and pains and the daily regime of keeping myself alive...the truth is there really are a lot of things I have to be careful of and watch to make sure that I am ok...even the slightest change in how my body is functioning can be a bad sign...a sudden change in my blood pressure...a new or unexpected pain...though I bruise easy I have to watch how those are healing...I have to watch swelling because I can retain water easily and too much is a bad sign...I have to pay attention when I get headaches or feel sick to my stomach because it could be a sign that my kidney is shutting down more...or it could just be a headache or upset stomach...

Most people my age are planning their lives...figuring out what job they want...where they want to live...what they are going to do after graduation...maybe even getting married...and yet on my 23rd birthday I will be waiting for a kidney to help prolong my life so that I can begin to plan those things sometime in the future...