Help me with my Unbelief

I'm having one of those days when everything I think to write about sounds dumb to me...

So I guess I will start out with saying that the past few days after my surgery I haven't been feeling the best...I was feeling good earlier today...but as the day has gone on I have been feeling worse and worse...no abdominal pain today...just sick to my stomach...which is a step up from where I have been...so even though it sounds bad...it's actually good...

But I don't really want to talk about how I have been feeling because that's kind of depressing...and I get tired of talking about depressing things...

But I have tried to write this post about three different times now...and every time I start crying and it ends up being a bit sad...so I guess it's going in that direction anyway...

The thing is I am still learning how to handle my life being messy and how to trust God through my mess of a life with this jacked up body...and that's a bit of a downer...not the fact that I am trying to rely on God more but it's a downer that my life is a hot mess...I often feel like the guy in Matthew 9 coming to God and saying "I believe; help me with my unbelief."...and believe me I know that sounds like it doesn't make sense...but that's how I feel...the thing is I get caught up in seeing my mess from my point of view...and it looks unmanageable...and I start to freak out a little before thinking things through fully...before remembering that with God all things are possible...

But even knowing that...things in my life are still scary and unpredictable...and you would think with all the things I have to deal with I would be good at dealing with surprises and what not by now...but I'm not...I really suck at it...

Yet I keep asking him to help me with my unbelief no matter what that means...if that means more shitty days then truthfully I'll take it...because working on my unbelief means I get to be with Jesus...I get to spend time learning from him and crazy as it may sound I want that no matter what...and yeah I will complain about it sometimes...because I am also a fickle human who can't ever seem to make up my mind...but I also understand that the people that got the closest to God...the people who he blessed...were the people who went through a lot of shit just to be near him...and I want to be near him...

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