Tired

I guess maybe I should say something about my doctor appointment before I get to far into this...there isn't much to tell though...he lowered my dry weight again because my blood pressure is still high and I am at the max on some of my blood pressure meds...and then he gave me a higher dose on my shot because my blood count has been low-ish recently...but the shot makes my bp go up...so that all doesn't make sense to me...and I am still on hold on the transplant list...maybe by the end of this month I'll be back active...that's frustrating...have I mentioned that I am horrible at waiting...right now I feel like I am waiting to wait...anyway I also told my doctor I have been feeling sick but they had no explanation for it...didn't know what to have me do besides call the GI doctor...I keep forgetting to do that...so that's my fault...but I just sort of feel like I am just going to have to deal with being sick...I should have that figured out by now...that a fact of my life is that I am going to feel gross more often than I want to...but then that attitude also makes me not want to call my GI doctor cause I feel like whats the point...as a result I have been dealing with an upset stomach...everyday...for the past few weeks...this is my life...

So that all frustrated me and led me to be in tears...and to feel like an idiot for crying over nothing...I was glad that my nurse had my back at the appointment because my doctor sort of started to act like he was going to have me do an iron IV again...but my nurse pointed out to him how good my iron is and how I don't need one of those right now...so that was nice...I don't really need anything else to make me feel sick...

I'm not really sure what else to say today about this week...during the week I thought of a few things but didn't write them down because I didn't like them that much...

A lot of good things have happened this week...I have gotten to spend a lot of time with friends that are dear to me...they think I am special and worthy of love even when I am a hot mess and they make me feel like I can do something right...

But that doesn't change the fact that I am having some of those unhappy days that come so often...I hate to be a downer but I also hate to not be truthful...and I am tired...I'm tired of trying to be positive with all this negative in my life...and I am tired of fighting everyday with my shitty jacked up body...

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